Poetry?

Grasping, pulling, striving,
Desperate.
Fingertips near brushing,
Lost again.
Hoping, straining, tugging,
Truth in reach--
But only for the knowing.

Adjusting to Life

If you haven't noticed, I have not posted much recently. Last summer I was working in an office full time and feeling drained every night. I didn't do anything or see anyone and I didn't feel like I had a life to write about.

And then there was school. This last semester was chaotic to say the least. I took 5 upper division courses. Being at a small school I end up in a lot of the same classes as my friends, we all agreed that it was the hardest semester we've ever had.

I also moved into and apartment with my previous roommate and two more friends. That has been an adjustment. The more difficult adjustment was balancing time between them and my serious boyfriend. Between classes, roommates, and my romantic relationship, I did not have much time left for talking about life and discoveries on my blog.

Which brings us to today. I have been enjoying reading and feeling a part of SarahThe's life and was reminded that I used to enjoy writing about my life and thoughts online. I think it is a good tangible way of seeing the progress that you have made.

So I will be doing that more. I will be aiming to post at least once a week, aiming for Tuesdays. Since life does what it wants to, it will probably vary.

On nearing senior year.

Wow. Next year I'm going to be a senior.

In college.

It's a completely different feeling than being a senior in high school. In a way, it's terrifying.

My freshman year of college I told myself that I was only getting a bachelors, I was tired of school so that was gonna be it. Now, entering my senior year, pretty much everyone is telling me to get a masters. And I want to... just not quite yet. I want to take at least a year off. I don't want to put off my loans, I want to pay off my loans.

But what am I going to do after I graduate? I don't know. Last year, I would say, move back to Phoenix, see if American Valet still wants me and move into a cheap apartment with my best friends. Now? I don't know. I could still go with that plan, but money-wise I might end up back at my parents house. Or, if I could get a job in California I might do that. It'd be really cool if I could get a job related to what I want to do, but I'm not even really sure what that is. Ministry or Anthropology? Which type of each? There are a million options.

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Right now though, I will focus on the now. I can't let myself get swept into that tunnel of thought. There's the rest of this year, figuring out where I'm living next year, job next year. Plenty to do in between now and graduation, but people are starting to ask so I feel like I need to have something to tell them.

I guess it's back to square one, my freshman year of college I put on my myspace something like, "I don't know what I want to do after school, but I know I want to serve the Lord". We'll see where that takes me.

Re: Humanity

Habukkuk is a nice little gem in the Bible.

It opens with Habukkuk basically complaining to God and grumbling about the state of humanity. God reassures him that He is working in ways Habukkuk cannot understand. Habukkuk complains some more, God reassures him again and in the end, Habukkuk praises the Lord.

I found this to be a nice reminder that we are not to hid our doubts or anger from God. That is not the way to increase your faith. If you hide your doubts, your faith is not very strong. Strong faith is taking your questions to God and trusting that he will give you answers. Faith is knowing that even when things seem terrible, God is in control and he can handle your "criticism".

I think one of the most incredible lessons that comes out of the new testament is how intensely personal our relationship with God is. We are not expected to blindly worship Him. We are free to wrestle with him as Jacob did and question him as Habukkuk and many others did. God will always come through. There is nothing we can throw at him that he can't handle.

Our God is mighty.

On Living for Christ

Galatians 5:6 "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything, but only faith working through love". It is not what we do or how we appear that matters to God, it is faith. Do everything with faith. Faith that God loves you and sent his son to die for you. Faith that just as he clothes the flowers of the field, so you will be clothed. He is always looking out for your best interests.

further in Galatians, 6:9-10 "and let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith" Such an important part of life that we tend to forget. How often do we criticize our brothers and sisters in Christ when we should be loving them.

Colossians 4:5-6 "Conduct yourselves wisely toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person" This is actually a very evangelical verse, Paul is instructing the Colossians to use their time on earth wisely to reach the "outsiders" or non-Christians. We only have a certain amount of time with people, we need to make the best of it and do all we can to further God's kingdom.

1 Thessalonians 3:12-13 "and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you, so that he may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints"

Philosophy

I was reminded of philosophy while reading the Psalms last night.

"The one who states his case first seems right,
until the other comes and examines him"
Psalm 18:17

My philosophy professor likes to give us logically sound arguments for philosophical ideas that are completely anti-Christian. We try to find faults in the argument but fail. What then? Another philosopher finds a fault in the argument and makes a case for the exact opposite.

The same happens with great philosophically based theological arguments.

And so the cycle continues. One man presents his case, another examines him and finds fault.

Let love flow

Let love flow freely
Like a mighty river
Crashing over rocks and trees.

Let love flow freely
Eroding the edges of pain,
Softening the blows of life.

Let love flow freely
Erasing the foul stench
Of stagnant emotion.

Let love flow freely
Washing away the stain of sin,
Purging the dirt from the soul.

Let love flow freely
Let it roll over your fellowmen,
Open the gates and let it in,
Lift the dam and pour it out,
Let love flow freely.

Seriously.

I'm reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot right now. I don't know if she's gotten everything right so far, but this she got:

"There is an unwillingness to come right out and say 'I'm nuts about this girl; I've got to have her.' In other words, sexual desire is camouflaged in spiritual terms. What one knows is far from platonic-- is, in fact, plainly erotic-- is called a friendship, a relationship, an involvement, and experience.
...
Let's be candid with ourselves before God. Call a spade a spade or even a muddy shovel. If your passions are aroused, say so-- to yourself and to God, not to the object of your passion. Then turn the reins over to God"


Is anyone else tired of Christian singles talking like this? Don't spiritualize human love. God's love is love of the spirit. Human love, between a man and a woman is usually rooted in lust and pheromones. Christian love for your brother/sister does not lead to an all night gal pal about how much you enjoy spending time with a certain boy. Christian love between a brother/sister does not knock you off your feet and make you crave to spend time with a specific boy every moment of the day.

Like she said, call a spade a spade. Admit your yearnings to God. Not to the man you're yearning for. This would only cause either a relationship that is too intimate too fast or pain of separation if he does not return your feelings. Turn it over to God. He will know what to do with it.


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I'm mostly talking to myself here. If you're reading this you've probably already caught on to that because you know me well, but I'm not the only girl who struggles like this. And there's plenty of boys out there doing the same thing. People fall in love with their friends all the time, they're just afraid to admit it.

Frustration

I am so tired of going through the same old struggles. I have been really happy lately, but I have these demons that just keep coming back. I am so frustrated with having to forgive the same people daily, because it's not they way they treat me that I am forgiving, but the way they engage in relationship with me. This isn't any of my friends. It's my father. Our relationship will never be what I want it to be.

God has been using this frustration to show me how much he loves me. And I have been doubly blessed in my mother... it's just difficult, especially when I'm away because I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. But would I be able to do anything if I was at home?

I've been meditating on Matt 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I think it's a beautiful passage. Christ is the ultimate comforter. Sometimes I crave someone to cuddle with and just tell me everything will be ok. In those moments I try to remember this.

Another Poem

This one is from July. I wrote it on my plane home from the Jamaica trip.

I sacrifice my life this night
my desires, plans and will.
I answer your call, Lord.
Use me as you will.

No sacrifice is easy,
Carry me through the mire,
Change my will to yours,
Make your desires be my desires.

I stop serving my flesh today.
Instead, make it serve you.
I leave behind what I had planned,
and go forward along the path you have made.

I surrender my all.

Wow

God is incredible. All through high school I was very concerned with making people like Christians. I participated in Young Life and went to church, but I haven't been diligent about sharing the gospel with my friends since junior high. Lately, I've been praying a lot for all the friends I've had over the years who aren't Christians, or weren't last I knew. This morning, one of my friends who hadn't even come up in my prayers yet, texted me to ask if God was a major part of my happiness. I was blown away. God is incredible. I'm just barely getting right with God again and he blesses me with this opportunity! I shared with her the following passage:

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"

How amazing is that? As a woman who has been a Christian for a long time, I think I forget about how amazing the grace of God is. Take a moment to let that promise sink in. We will learn from Jesus and He will give us rest.

Pray for my friend. She's made a step in asking about God, pray that God continues to pursue her.

And be amazed. Be amazed that God uses us. The Gospel is so powerful that people seek it out if they know a way to find it. Be someone people can ask about Jesus. Be someone who tells about Jesus.

Living in Community

I've been thinking a lot about living in community. The church of Acts did it. Do we? We strive to at Biola. Especially in ResLife. I hope to influence my residents to live in community.

2 Cor 13:11
"Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you"

I think that's pretty much the key to living in community.

Rejoice. First and foremost. We have been blessed beyond measure, yet we grumble.

Aim for restoration. How many of us have broken friendships? Family members we don't talk to? Friends who left the church long ago out of some dividing disagreement? It's sad that we give up on relationship so easily. Take note that Paul doesn't say, "restore every broken relationship", simply "aim for restoration". Aim for it, I think God will do the rest.

Comfort one another. When you know of a person who is in pain, comfort them. Comforting someone can be as simple as a hug or a listening ear. We're not to fix each other's problems, just comfort.

Agree with one another. This is probably the hardest for me personally. I like to disagree. But Paul instructs us to agree. Put aside your difference and just agree.

Live in peace. This is the ultimate goal. I think my generation thrives on drama, but that's exactly why this is important. We need to learn to live in peace. Give up on drama and fighting and just be in peace.

and the God of love and peace will be with you. What an amazing promise.

Spiritual Gifts

After Jesus died, he rose again and spent some more time with his disciples. When he ascended again to Heaven, he promised the Holy Spirit would come to them. It fell upon them on the Day of Pentecost during a time of prayer. Amazing things happened that day. People were healed, the believers were able to speak in foreign tongues and many were added to their number that day.

The Holy Spirit lives in each of Christ's followers today. I know he lives in me. What I don't know is what he has gifted me with. I've had many thoughts of what it could be over my life. Interpretation of the scriptures, teaching, evangelism, hospitality, encouragement, knowledge. All of these are things I enjoy and can be good at.

I want to know what God is doing in my life. I thought I knew, but now I don't. I need to practice trust. I need to pray and meditate on the scriptures. God wants the place of honor in my life. I don't even know what I've been giving it to. Something much less important than the Lord of all.

Currently Studying: Acts

What I've Learned

Lord you know me,
My every thought, passion, and desire.
My cares are your cares.
You do not need to be told what matters to me.

You love me and take care of me.
You defend me and comfort me.
No man on Earth can be,
what you are to me.

You know me, O Lord,
Every action, every movement,
All my hopes and dreams,
My accomplishments, my failures.
You know every piece of me.

You are there for me.
In times of sorrow
and times of celebration.
During shame and glory,
my constant support.
You know me.


Response to Psalm 139

Endangered Species?

So I just looked up an article on how researchers found 125,000 gorillas in the Congo, because I was bored and remembered hearing some morning radio djs making fun of the find. The reason it's so shocking is because that is more than twice what they thought was left of the species. The article mentions that the number they thought was left was based on a survey from the 1980's and projected loss due to poaching.

This makes me wonder how many other "endangered species" are based off old numbers and flawed projections. We trust these environmental groups without even questioning their methods.

Here's the link to the gorilla article: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/05/science/05apes.html

And here's another article about how the list of endangered species is being added to: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/05/0502_060502_endangered.html

The reasons they cite for population decrease? Hunting and global warming.
How they reached the numbers they did? "the IUCN took a close look at sharks and rays" What does that even mean? The entire article has the same ambiguous wording.

Here's a quote that really bothers me:" "Here you have an unbiased, objective account," he said. "There's no guesswork and no political pressure. … The listings tend to focus conservation energy." " Really? It doesn't sound unbiased (global warming) and there definitely appears to be a lot of guesswork.

Just some thoughts.

Praise the Lord for Kind Commuters

So I drove to California today. The drive was mostly uneventful and the roads were clear until about an hour outside of our destination. We hit some traffic but it wasn't bad. Then, about a half hour outside of our destination traffic suddenly stopped. I hit the brakes as hard as I could, but skidded a little at the last second and hit the car in front of me. We got out and decided to move to the right, we had been in the carpool lane. That is an experience I would like to never repeat. Once we got out on the other side, he said he had to call the CHP (california highway patrol). I said ok and we both went to our cars while he called. I don't know what changed his mind, but when Rusty got out to check the damage and started rubbing the scuffs off my car the man changed his mind about calling CHP. He asked who's car it was and when I told him it was mine he said he didn't think we needed to call because there really wasn't any damage.

Rusty and I both said the same thing when we returned to the car, "Praise the Lord". When things like that happen you start to think over the events and how they could have gone and I'm always left amazed by God's grace. For instance, we were in the car pool lane, which meant when traffic stopped, there was no one behind me. Second, people were kind and let us over to the right side of the highway. After we drove off we saw a worse accident just a little ahead of us, probably caused by the same sudden stop, or possible the reason for the sudden stop. I was very thankful that that wasn't us. We were starting to run out of time to reach our destination.

Another praise, we made it on time to the boat dock. Oh yeah, I'm in Long Beach waiting for a boat to go to my friends wedding on Catalina.

The End is Near

Church this morning was really good... after the pastor showed up. It was rough getting up early, but everyone was relatively on time to breakfast and we only left about 10 minutes after we were supposed to. Unfortunately, when we got to the church no one was there. We were really concerned because it was before 7 am and the sign outside the church said they started at 8:30. The Pastor did show up at about 7 and let us in so we could start to set up. 3 people came around 7:15. The boys jammed for a bit which I always enjoy. Then, Brad sang a few worship songs while we waited for more people to come. The pastor spoke after that and said we should start because Jamaicans like to sleep in and they would come in during the service. The service went really well. The team put a lot of energy into it even though there weren't very many people. About halfway I think 10 more people had come in. By the end of the service there were probably 25 - 30.

Pastor Dave spoke on Mark 4:1-20 which is the parable of the sower. It was a really interesting sermon. I think God really spoke to me through it. The pastor of the church also seemed to enjoy it.

After the service, Shani, who I had met the first night with Horizons came over and said hi to me. A little after she came, Bernadette came over too. It was nice to see them again. If Kalena reads this, Shani says hi!

We had a ministry scheduled for this afternoon, but when we got to the site we found out a few things that prevented the show. First, there was a marching band scheduled to come through the area that would drown us out. Second, we didn't have the right permit to do a show on that corner. So now we have about 3 hours until dinner and then we head out to our last night ministry.

It's odd to be at the end of the trip. I can't really imagine going home at this point even though I'm happy to be seeing my friends and family again. Life at home is just so different from life in Jamaica.

Sun Flower Villas

The team this week has been really great =) The team is very open and friendly. They have also been really receptive to our suggestions (i.e. puppets).

We did two days of a VBS. It was a lot of fun! The first day we had about 45 kids and the second we had 70. The team's youth pastor was really great at being emcee. The second day Karra put together a really awesome craft that the kids had a blast doing.

Sorry I don't have too much to say. This has been a great final week, but I think we're all ready to go home. Pray especially for Dick, Brad and Larry as they have been here since June 12. Pray that we all have enough energy to finish strong. We have a really early morning tomorrow. 5:30 am breakfast.

Back in the Saddle!

The team that went to Kingston came back today and the team from Wisconsin flew in. We had chinese for lunch, then gave them all a chance to rest and had dinner.

After dinner we headed out to do a show with the Wisconsin team and left the other team back so they could rest because they have a hard week ahead.

The show was great! It was nice to have something to do again. I trained a girl on how to write programs and the show ran smoothly. I think she's gonna do a great job. Puppet stage set-up was fast two. Those are basically my two areas of making the show run. OH and I find the bathroom, which I did, but didn't actually need to use! Lol, that's a new one for me because last week Horizons made fun of me for how much I had to use the bathroom.

Karra, Dick, Brad, Larry and I head to Sun Flower Villas with the Wisconsin team tomorrow so I won't have internet once again. Thank you for your prayers. I'll be back Saturday to give you an update on ministry.

God Knows What He's Doing

... but that doesn't mean I do.

The team from Sun Valley (Gilbert, AZ) came in the same day Horizons left. We had dinner at the hotel, then collected all the money we'll need from them (Dunns, coffee, exchange). Then, yesterday they left for Kingston leaving behind Dick, Karra and I. They rented a smaller vehicle to save some money and there wasn't enough room to bring all of us. I think we have about 3 or 4 days until the next team comes in.

Until then we're relaxing and trying to iron out things like reciepts and housing. We're also trying to put together some resource packets to give out next year. And praying for the team. They're doing construction at the Youth For Christ office during the day and street ministry at night. It's a team of 11 plus 6 interns and Mark.

I'm sure there's a purpose for us staying back, but I don't know if we'll get to know what it is. Thank you for your prayers and I'll let you know anything I hear about the team.